Lately I've been thinking about people I haven't talked to in a long time. Friendships I left unfinished, relationships I left with a hard heart, and people I long to talk to again even if it's just a simple hello.
Relationships can change people but circumstances also change relationships. It's funny looking back at life and reconnecting with people and realizing there are a lot of things that don't change. I still have the sarcasm and wit I did when I was 16. I still have self-worth issues and doubts that people love me that I had when I was 18. I still make the same facial expressions, stupid jokes, and love just as hard as I did when I was 14.
Those aren't numbers I just made up, I still am the same person I was at those ages at my core and that will never change. I learned a lot my four years of high school and I think those were some of my most impressionable years but I didn't realize it until this week. I had a long conversation with someone who was a major part of my life at that time, someone who gave me a lot of insight to who I was and what was happening, someone who gave me clarity on part of my life where it was so hazy I never thought I'd see the other side.
This week I got answers to a lot of questions. This week I learned while I've grown up, I've matured, I've been educated, not much has changed in eight years.
Anger. I know it's something I've written about before and it's probably something I'll write about again, but it came up a lot in my conversation with my friend. In high school, I was an angry person and so was he. We didn't work through our anger though, how could we? We were teenagers. We didn't know better. Or did we? It hurts my heart thinking about all of the things we went through, the horrible words we'll never forget we said, the times I never thought the arguing would never end.
It was something we learned from each other, something we fed off of, and something that defined who we were at that time. Oh and how it broke my heart when he said, "I was talking to my friend, he was having a bad day and I was so frustrated because I needed to get all of this stuff done for work and he was supposed to help, so I just hung up on him. I wonder where I learned that." My heart sank and then sank to even deeper depths. How? How could I have ever taught someone I loved so much something so terrible? How could I have been so terrible to do that to someone I loved?
It reminded me that words are so important. Whether angry words or happy words or encouraging words, they are so crucial.
It reminded me that actions are so important. Whether angry actions or happy actions or encouraging actions, they are so crucial.
We used words so carelessly, throwing around hatred and insecurities like confetti. We were doing what we could to stay afloat despite how it made the other person feel. What a terrible thing. I see this going on constantly with younger generations. Oh, how I'd love to scoop them up, sit them down, and tell them it doesn't have to be this way. Tell them that love overcomes, love heals, and love is the answer.
Not just any kind of love, but the love of Jesus, the love of a savior who died for us, the love of a God who is three persons in one. A love that will never waiver, never change, and never leave. This is a love we knew, this was a love we had, a love we accepted, and a love we enjoyed together but separately at the same time.
Obedience is key when walking in faith, when learning to love like Jesus did. We thought we were doing everything right. We were going to youth together on Wednesdays, attending church on Sundays, and making sure we were doing the Christian things. But friends, those were just the motions. You can do all the things you think are right but without obedience, without pure intention, it means nothing.
One thing that's hit me hard recently is the difference between listening and hearing. It's always something that's weighed heavy on me, something people struggle to grasp. In a recent sermon, my pastor said, "Listening turns into action while hearing is being able to repeat facts." Wow. Just let that sink in. How many times have you responded "Yes, I heard you" "Of course I'm listening" and "I hear what you're saying" with no clear intent to let those things turn into action? Of course you could probably repeat what that person said to you because you were hearing them, you know what they said. You just weren't taking it in, letting it take hold, and then turning around and acting on it.
Talking with my friend I realized we did a lot of hearing. In church, with each other. We heard but we didn't really listen. I know I'm so guilty of this. I'm working on it. Some days I just get so frustrated with people I don't even hear them, I tune them out completely because I just can't do it, I need someone to care about me for a second. I know so many other people feel that way sometimes. It's okay. It's human.
We all need to do better. We need to be better. We need to love better. We need to care better. We need to be there more.
