Ever get in those moods where you don't know what the heck to do? You know you have someone who absolutely, positively cares about you yet you can't stop thinking about the past. Kinda like you don't know if you've fully let go or not. It's like you have this battle going on in your head that you can't control; like someone won't give you the remote to turn it off. It's honestly a horrible feeling. What do you do?
You know you have feelings, that you care too but is it as much? Do you care the same way? There's a difference between being in love and loving someone. I know I've said that before and I'll continue to say it, I firmly believe that it is true. I love everyone I ever meet, I may not be a huge people person, but I care more than anyone else you could ever imagine. Sometimes that gets me in trouble. I care more than I should especially about people who couldn't care less about me.
I say that people don't matter, what they say doesn't hurt me, and that I really couldn't care less how people feel about me. As much as I say that, as much as I want to believe that, it's hard. I try my best not to care but it's difficult when someone looks at you like "are you serious right now? why her? you could most definitely do so much better…and by better, I mean me, duh!" That's frustrating. I know I'm not the prettiest or skinniest or most ideal "girl", but I can tell you that I'll love you more and better than anyone else ever has. I take on something, I'm going to do it heart and soul all in.
It's difficult when you know the person that cares about you has someone that cares about them and they have a problem with you. There's always someone out there that's "better", prettier, more friendly than you. What is even worse is when said person doesn't even take the time to get to know you; it's like they take one look at you and they've made their decision. What happened to not judging a book by it's cover? Oh, wait, no one ever did that anyway, although that's something everyone should try to live by in any aspect of life, truly.
It's hard knowing that you tell someone how you feel and you're still left out in the open with the question of how they feel about you unanswered. I am a person who believes that actions most definitely speak louder than words, but when it comes to loving someone actions just aren't enough. You have to tell them, people are not mind readers. Non-verbals come off different ways to different people. Don't assume someone knows how you feel about them if you haven't told them.
Riddle me this: how can you possibly go about trusting someone after someone else hurt you? I get it, don't apply your past to the present, much easier said than done. Maybe I don't want to see it; maybe I'm so stuck in my past that I don't want anything to happen in the present because I'm terrified of getting hurt. It sucks knowing that you could have something so much better than your past but you're too stuck on the thing of lesser value. I just can't seem to grasp that I could be happier than I've ever been yet I'm letting it all slip through my fingers. I guess I just need to write an apology, explain why, and hope for the best…well, I guess that's where I'm headed. Until next time…
xoxox
