silver and gold

The greatest feeling in the entire world is just getting to be yourself. All judgments aside and no one to impress. Being yourself is by far one of the most relieving this to do in this world. It's awesome to just be able to relax around people who love you and just be who they know you are. No hiding behind a mask or putting up some front of who we really aren't.

Knowing that my family accepts and loves me for me is absolutely awesome. I know my sisters are just as crazy, loud, and weird as me. I love it. I love the fact that we can laugh at absolutely nothing. My sisters are my true best friends. They always have been and they always will be. Although we bicker and fight along with tease and make fun, I know they are always there for me. Yeah, we joke a lot of the time, most of the time we are together, but we can be serious when we need to be.

I look up to my sisters more than they know or ever probably will know. They have taught me so much about life, love, and just being myself. They taught me to never settle less than I deserve, people that want to be in my life will find a way to get there and stay there, and that family always comes first. I wouldn't be half the sister, friend, or person I am today without them. They are seriously my backbone and I would be so lost without them. I know I can go to them with anything and that they won't judge me. My sisters want the best for me and I know they share my pain, joy, and anger. I love my sisters with my entire heart and I would do absolutely any thing for all three of them. I have been truly blessed.

Along with that, all my friends I have had through out my entire life have contributed to the person I am today. One of my best friends has been my best friend since kindergarten. I wouldn't change a thing about our friendship. I know college has kind of separated us, we don't talk as often as we used to or as we'd like, but when we do talk it's like nothing ever changed. We still talk like we have been talking every single day. I miss her so much and I am so glad that we are experiencing different things. I cannot wait to see where life is going to take us.

One of my best friends growing up was one of my cousins. We did everything together. We were always having sleepovers and never wanting to leave each other. Our lives were one in the same and we were inseparable. Even through middle school, we were probably closer than we had ever been. Through high school and college we haven't been as close, but we still talk. I still consider her to be one of my best friends. She is one person I know I can come to with anything and know I won't be judged. We have lived two very different lives but I know she will always understand me and vice versa. I would give anything to see her achieve everything she wants out of this life. She is one person that I know can truly be herself anywhere. She is truly inspiring to me. Although she might never know it, she is what everyone should be like. She doesn't care what people think and she doesn't try to impress anyone with fancy things. She is always going to be herself no matter where she is. She might be younger than me, but I have learned a lot from her. She is amazing.

Last but certainly not least and definitely not even close to the last people to talk about are my suite mates. They are the two best friends a girl could ever ask for. I've never been one to have many friends but as soon as I got to college they befriended me like it was nothing. I have never had two people accept me for me as quickly as they did. I am so thankful that I can be myself around them and that I get to experience the best years of my life with them. I would not have made it through my first semester of college without them in all complete honesty. Without evening knowing me that well, they openly and welcomely sat and listened to me cry over my, what is now, last relationship. I would not trade these girls for the world. They are absolutely amazing. I love and accept them for who they are. I love their personalities and every little quirk. You would think that we have been best friends all of our lives.

I am so thankful for so many people in my life. The list goes on and on. I could write forever about people I love and helped me become me. Those people who helped shape me and are no longer in my life are just as important. I'm sure I'll be talking about these people along with others as I continue to write. I love my life and I truly should not complain. I have been blessed. I am thankful, grateful, and loved.

I really can't deny it. I am who I am. I’m pretty normal. I’m not that smooth type of girl. I run into things. I trip. I spill food. I say stupid things. I really don't have it all together. -Katie Holmes

with that being said, until next time...

xoxox

All the Time *

I just love being able to stand up and share my faith. I love my God so much and He has truly done so much for me. I honestly don't know where I would be if I didn't have God in my life. Today has just been so wonderful, I know it is all because of him. The weather outside was beautiful!

Today I got to go infront of my public speaking class and show a piece of my past, present, and future. My past was a picture of the leadership team I used to be on back at home, the Coalition. I miss that and the people in it so much it hurts. Those people meant the world to me. God truly blessed me when He placed them in my life. I got to stand in front of those people and show that I was a part of the Coalition  and explain that my faith is a huge part about my life. Some of them probably thought that I was insane, but I was so excited to show a part of my past. I love looking back on those memories and seeing how God worked through all of us. I am truly blessed. 

On top of that, I got to go back to Encounter tonight. Encounter is the Monday night worship/lesson service held on campus by Chi Alpha (XA). XA is so amazing and the people are absolutely wonderful. All Christians should truly have the attitudes those awesome people do. They are so down-to-earth and true to themselves. They don't have to put on some act or act like they're big, bad Christians. They just shine Christ's light by being themselves and who God has called them to be. 

Tonight, worship was just amazing. I love being able to praise God with people who love me and believe the same things I do. I think it is awesome that we can just come together and hang out and know that God has a huge plan for our lives. I know there is a reason God put XA in my life and I am so super excited to see what the big picture is. I love being able to just dwell in God's presence and bask in His glory. It is amazing to just know that He has already overcome this world for us and that we really shouldn't worry. God's got my back. He has a plan for me. I just need to follow His word and will. I need to keep on the path less traveled, the narrow path. Worship gets me so pumped. 

The lesson was incredible. Aaron talked on being "Global Christians". It was really crazy to hear all the statistics he was throwing out, and kind of sad at the same time. Along with that, it broke my heart to hear a story so true that a girl asked if he was a "real Christian". But think about it, are you a "real Christian" or are you just one of those people that say you're a Christian because you believe in God? There's a difference. You must act out on your faith and go to church and practice what you believe. 

The statistic is that the average time a Christian spends praying in a day is 3 minutes. 3 minutes. Can you believe that? 3 little tiny minutes..out of 24 hours of the day! I think that is so pathetic, so sad. I want so badly to believe that's not true, but I know it is knowing the type of society and world we live in today. Our world has gotten to be so materialistic that it makes me sick. People have lost sight of why we are even here and our true purpose. I want to be able to reach out to people and make a difference in their lives. 

I am so excited to get back into my old ways. I want my awesome relationship I used to have with God back. He used to, still is though, my best friend. I can always go to Him with anything.  Obviously. And why wouldn't I want to? I mean, He's had my entire life planned before I was born AND has numbered every single hair on my head. 

I am so thankful that I have been raised a believer and that my family has been active in showing me how to be a true Christian. I want to give back and help and bring people to Christ. I love God with my entire heart and I want to let every single person I meet know that. I want them to know that they can have that too. God is always there and He is always waiting. 

God is good all the time! All the time, God is good! <3 until next time...

xoxox

Neon Lights *

I seriously cannot stand people who think they know everything about you and your life just because they are older than you. News flash: they don't. No one knows everything about you except you. Honestly, they probably don't even know the half of what you have to say or have done over the course of your life.

I've been the youngest of five kids my entire life, they all try to rule my life. Fortunately, none of them have been very successful. I'm in college and I will make my own decision. If they continue to tell me what they think I need to do, the further I will continue to distance myself from them. Why don't people ever learn? Stop dancing in circles and change your tactics. It really is not that difficult.

Being in college kind of sucks a lot sometimes, but it is a million times better than high school. The other day we had a crazy out-of-nowhere snow storm and we actually closed early. So my best girlfriends and I decided to have a photo shoot. (: here are some of the pictures!

I love the snow and although I am not the biggest fan of my college, I decided to give it some love.
And above I just can't help but wear my purple Carhartt, I absolutely love that jacket. Along with my awesome WV rainboots, since me being the smarty pants I am left my snow boots at home.

This girl is my best friend. Although I only met her in August, I feel like I have known her my entire life and I love it. I can come to her with anything, she never judges me. I am so thankful and blessed to have her in my life. I honestly have not one stinking clue how I would have survived my first semester here at college without her. She has held me in her arms while I have cried too many times to count, I love her even more for that. I know she is a life long friend and I am super excited to be able to share our lives and grow old together. I know God has some awesome plans for our lives! <3

I feel like life is so difficult trying to figure out "what I want to do for the rest of my life". Like everything I want to accomplish in life can be printed out on a little piece of paper. That doesn't happen and I really hate that they make us choose. There are so many different things I want to do with my life and it is really difficult to choose just one! Right now, I am  a music therapy major. Which is totally awesome and I think the world definitely needs way more music therapists, but it just is not for me. I absolutely adore the therapy part of it, but not so much the classical training in music. Along with that, I love to write. I do it all the time, I have for years. One day I am determined to write a book; it WILL happen. 

It is a struggle for me to pick a major right now. I really am looking into communications along with counseling and photography. But I was thinking, I could double major in journalism and photography, those are two great things to have together. I need to pray about it though, I feel like I should really go into communications. I truly felt like when Julie told me that she thought I would be good in communications, God was telling her to say that to me. They both knew that I was and still am struggling to decide what to do with my life. 

I feel as if I have been entirely too blessed my entire life. I do not deserve half of what I have been given. I want to be able to give back and help those in need. I cannot wait to have a family and teach my kids how to give back. It isn't done enough in today's society but it is one of the most important things we could possibly do. I am slowly but surely learning to love life again and I cannot wait to see what God has planned for me! But until next time...

xoxox

slow dancin' in a burning room

So, writing has always been such a passion of mine. I remember when I really started writing for myself, I did it for and about people I cared deeply about. It was one year when my friend's mom passed away that I really began to get into writing. I wrote these poem type things that weren't truly poems, but they were the feelings I had for a certain person that I wasn't able to speak out loud. Everything always comes out better on paper for me. I never truly specified in the writing who it was for, but if you knew me, you could read it and automatically know. 

I never kept anything that I wrote about someone to myself. I usually told them that I wrote it, allowed them to read it, and waited for feedback or a response. I always was anxious about their response, sometimes I did not think I had the guts to hear what they had to say. Writing was the best thing I ever did to myself. It helped me say things that I could never physically say. It always had my greatest or worst memories, my feelings, inside jokes, nicknames, and so much more. 

Writing truly saved me from myself and so many other evil things in this world. I wish I could write like I used to. I believe I was given a gift, but I set it aside for a person and lost it. The way I could just sit down and  put a pen to a page was incredible to me. Honestly, half the time I didn't know what I was writing until I was done. Sometimes what I wrote only made sense to me until I explained it. Writing was a backbone my entire freshman year of high school. 

One girl that was my best friend freshman year wrote along with me. Writing was just one of the many talents we had in common. I knew there was a reason God put her in my life, even if it was just for a short amount of time. She always encouraged me to continue to write and helped me when I was stuck in a writer's block. I am so thankful that she encouraged me to do what I loved. She was such an incredible writer herself and I truly hope she is still writing to this day. I know that she will  make something amazing out of herself one day, and I am super excited to see what comes of it. 

One of my most distinct memories of one of my absolute favorite writings is actually for and about this girl. We were at the youth lock-in at her church and I suddenly had the urge to write. So I got my notebook and my purple pen (the two things I kept with me at all times and the only things I EVER wrote in) and hide underneath a ping pong table. I didn't come out until I had two pages (typed, probably 4 hand written) about her and just the experiences of that night. Although we were only friends for just a few short four months before that, we had tons of memories. We were pretty much inseparable; we called each other sister. Even though we aren't as close as we used to be, we still call each other that when we do talk on rare occasions. We were truly sisters in Christ and always will be. We helped each other through so much and I am so very grateful for the time we did spend together as best friends. 

It's funny that I'm writing about this because I really haven't thought about it in a really long time. It was just a mere four years ago when this all happened but so much stuff has happened that it doesn't seem like that was such a significant part of my life anymore. But it really is significant, it really shaped who I am today. Those writings and that girl were such a huge part of my life. I don't know where I would be without them, in all honesty. 

It is kind of sad to think about all that I have left behind and know that it is not longer in my life. Sometimes I wish I was back at that lock-in, hiding under the pew while playing sardines. Or passing the ball at 5 am because we still hadn't gone to sleep. Those are memories I will never forget. And if there comes a time that I do, all I have to do is look back and pull out those "poems" I wrote and it will all come flooding back. 

Hopefully one day I will be half the writer I used to be. I wish I had the same talent in the same way again. Words just flowed onto the page like I wasn't even there, they just seemed to kind of appear. Thinking about it, it's just like slow dancing in a burning room, eventually everything that was once there will be gone. No way to bring it back, just starting from scratch, all brand new. Memories will be replaced and I'll start writing in different ways. 

I'm just glad I've gotten back into the grove. Hopefully once my schedule becomes normal routine I'll be able to write everyday, but until that happens I will write as frequently as I can.

until next time....

xoxox

back to school

So today I came back to school...unfortunately. Don't get me wrong, I love getting to see my friends and being at my new "home", but I could go without sharing with a rude person. I don't think my college experience would be so horrible if my roommate wasn't so bad. I am not one that tries to trash talk people but this is one exception. It's hard to live with someone who hates you, but the feeling is pretty much mutual. 

Anyway, no use in spending my time talking about something that does not matter to me in this life. But I am so thankful for my friends. I am so glad to be back with my two best friends, Amy and JoBeth. They are my backbones and I do not have any idea how I would have ever gotten through my first year of college without them. God truly blessed me with such amazing girls, I really could not have asked for anyone better. 

Along with them, my friend Taylor transferred here this semester. I am super excited for her to be here and to get close. We didn't really start off on the right foot, but it's exciting to be able to start new. (: Having second chances make all the difference and everyone deserves at least one. She doesn't know very many people here, so I'm excited to be a big part of her experience here. She is an amazing girl and I know she will do great. She will befriend a lot of people being such a sweet girl, I am excited to see what God has in store for her this semester. 

God is my best friend. Although I pretty much turned my back on him the last four months, but things are changing now. I can't keep living the way I have and there is no way that I will let depression rule my life. I am worth more than I think I am. I am loved, cared for, and wanted here. I need to remind myself of these things constantly, daily. I cannot wait to see the person I am going to become. I am learning to love life and the people in it. 

It is hard to struggling in a brand new place, some people would think it would be easier to just start over. Starting over has nothing to do with moving to a new place, because your past follows you. You just can't allow your past to over your present and your future. You have control of how you want to live your life. Choose wisely. 

That's all I really have to say for tonight, until next time....

xoxox

days 3 & 4: don't blink

Yesterday I didn't get to write and I wanted to so badly. It was one of the best days that I have had in a long time, mainly because I got to shoot guns. I love doing that so much. (: So I got up and worked out, as usual before the long day I had ahead of me. I had the second part to my concealed weapons permit course. We spent the day at the range shooting; we had to successfully shoot the entire course to pass. What do you know? I passed with flying colors, 100%. I don't think my daddy could have been any prouder. It was a lot of fun because I got to do it with my mom, dad, sister, brother, and sister-in-law. My family means so much to me, so it made it that much more fun and enjoyable.

I have a crazy family, so taking this course was quite a hoot. We like to joke around but we know when it is time to get serious. Although some of the videos were a little outdated, it was extremely informational and insightful. Sometimes they just pulled out scenarios you would never even begin to think of. Even though I cannot carry concealed until I am 21, it was totally worth taking the class. I would recommend anyone and everyone who considered taking the class to do so. It is well worth the time and money spent.

After that we had a big evening with family. (: Huge homemade dinner because today was supposed to be my last day home, I am supposed to be in Radford right now. But anyway, we had dinner and enjoyed the stories that were told from the class earlier in the day. After that I took a little nap...the evening is when it got exciting. My daddy had been wanting to watch the movie "Taken", so we had a family movie night. Well, after it was over, we were all in such suspense that we just HAD to watch the second one. We proceeded to watch "Taken 2". They were both extremely good, I really liked them. Two of the greatest things in my life are watching movies and my family; I love it when we get to do relaxing things like that together. I am truly blessed.

So, today would be day 4, even though less than half an hour and it's over. /:
Today was absolutely crazy! We got up and went to mass, then it was time to begin what was supposed to be vigorous packing for me to go back to college. Seeing as how that didn't happen, I am lying in my bed at home, anxiously awaiting 5 am to start the four hour drive back to Radford. So, I got distracted in every possible way today; partially because I absolutely hate packing and partially because I totally have mixed feelings about going back. I know I'll be excited once I get there, it's just the journey to actually get there is a lot of work and no fun. I got to have one last sunday dinner with the family and then a chill day.

I spent it packing on and off before we went on our expedition to get everything I needed before we headed back. All in all, tonight ended with yet another great movie ("The Words") and a friendly family competitive game of Family Feud.

In case y'all were wondering, my family means more to me than anything in this world. They are my rock at all times. I know we might fight and not get along all the time, but they have never left my side and they would never leave me in the dust. I am truly grateful and I thank God every single day for my loved ones. Without them, I honestly have not one clue where I would be or if I would still be alive. I have more to be thankful for every day, especially since I am still living and breathing.

I could go on and on about my family and the rest of my days, but I have finally finished packing the last of my things away to head back to college. Next time I write, I will be in a different state surrounded by different people who love me just the same. I am excited to see what kind of adventure awaits me this semester. until next time...

xoxox

Day 2: it's raining men!

haha, just kidding...it's actually raining dogs and horses? well, whatever, it still works! I decided to write about the animals in my life because they are just as important to people to me. I love them with my whole heart and would not change it for the world. Animals are just as great if not better than human beings themselves.

This morning I woke up and have seriously never felt better. I feel like a brand new person. I read one of my devotionals because my other is at school. It reminded me that I need to walk by faith, that as long as I am still breathing God still has a plan for me.

It is so hard to think that there is someone who cares and loves you for you all the time. 24/7/365. I am so thankful there is though. God has saved my life figuratively and literally in more ways than one. Although I have no clue what I am supposed to do with the rest of my life or what I'm supposed to be doing now, He's always going to be there. As long as I ask for guidance and help, He's going to give it to me. I've got to be the one to put forth the effort though, it doesn't just happen over night. Just like mostly anything anymore, this is a process. I've got to be wait it out and see what happens. As cliche as it is, good things to come to those who wait. Plus, patience is a virtue. (:

This little guy is my rock. This is my puppy Remington, but we call him Remi for short. He is one person, (next to God of course) and well dog, that is always there for me. As stupid as it might sound, he's my best friend. Dogs are smart and well, Remi knows when something is wrong. This dog cuddles me until I let go of him when I am crying. He never leaves my side. It is so hard having to leave him behind for school. I cannot wait to be home next semester just so I can see him more often. This dog has more of my heart than anyone. 

Next to my pup, this horse is my everything. Even though he isn't mine, I treat him as if he was. Matt Dillon is his precious little name. This horse has more emotions than any animal I have ever met but I wouldn't change him for the world. He is Grayson's horse and he was also left behind when Grayson left for school in Montana in 2011. I grew a stronger bond with horse than I did with anyone else or animal in such a short amount of time. This horse means everything to me and I miss him so much. Trust me, we've had our ups and downs and this horse has more attitude than a class full of middle school girls but I love him the same. He was the only horse that I ever consistently rode and was truly an amazing companion. 

Just like everything else in this life, I know God put this animals in my life for a reason. It sounds corny, I know, but it is completely true. I have never really had very many friends growing up, especially not friends that were girls either. I think that is why I have such a passion for animals. They don't judge you at first sight and will always be there for you no matter what. I think I went the right way when I chose animals over people. Joking and not joking.

I want to live on a farm when I grow up.  I want to have horses that I can ride and dogs that can cuddle. I want my kids to know the importance of having animals in their lives and how to treat them right. A bond between a person and an animal can go a long way. Once they are a part of your life, they continue to be your life long best friend. Animals are just like family and it isn't any easier to cope when they pass.

I do not know what I would do without these animals. They keep me up and going, they have literally been though the walks of my life with me. They probably know more than any human being does about me and it will probably stay that way. I love these animals more than life itself and I would do anything for them. Without Remi and Matt Dillon, I am honestly not quite sure if I would have survived my senior year of high school, no joke. Those two kept me on my feet and going. I will be forever grateful. I love these guys. <3

xoxox

Day 1: sleep is no longer necessary

Changes:

Changes don't happen over night as much as we would all like them to. Although the beginning of a change can come at any hour of the day, anywhere, with anyone. A change has to be chosen by the person in with which the change is taking place. People may say "oh yeah, he/she is changing for the better", but are they really? No one changes unless they truly want to. No one gets better unless they truly want to. Changes only happen if you allow them to take place.

The entire reason of blogging again is to help keep track and keep changing. My life is one big mess of yuck and it needs to change. A lot of stuff has happened in the last year and a half. I have loved and I have lost. I have made some of the best and some of the worst memories of my entire life. I began college and lost my best friend. I have experienced my first heartbreak along with many other firsts.

I learned that in college you figure out what you truly want in life. What you want to do when you grow up, how to love, how to hate, who are your true friends are, that family is always there no matter what. Everything and anything can be overcome if you want it be. God has a huge part in my life and always has. I am very disappointed to say that I have slipped further away from Him than I have anyone this past year and I am so very much ashamed of myself. I cannot wait to be better than I ever have before, I cannot wait to be the new me. (:

It sounds crazy but I do my best, well most anyway, thinking at night. It is a terrible habit, I don't know what else to do when I can't sleep though. Honestly, I don't really mind if  no one ever reads a single one of my blogs. I am not doing it for publicity or pity or empathy. I am simply doing it because I need to. Writing has always always always been one of my most prized possessions; writing is something no one will ever be able to take away from me. One day I hope to write a book, it's always been such a passion.

I know I'm rambling and none of this really goes together, but you have to cut me some slack, it is 3 in the morning. I've been home for the last month and I return to back to college on Sunday. I'm super nervous and excited and sad all at the same time. I hate leaving home because I leave behind my dog and my family. They are truly my backbone, I haven't a clue where I would be without them. Along with that, I'm excited to see my best friends and leave behind all memories that haunt me while I am home.

I always thought that love was forever, I thought that I was invincible and that no one could ever break my heart. Let me tell you, man was I wrong. I think just for thinking that, my heart got broken an extra amount. Although I no longer want to believe that there is such a thing as love, I do and I always will. How could there be no love when we have such an amazing God who loves and cares for us? He sent His son to die for us. If that is not true love, then I haven't a single clue what is. Although I thought I was in love, I'm not sure I know the total meaning of love, I'm not sure I ever did. Of course I was young and I've had one boyfriend, it does not mean that I have any less clue than the rest of you out there. Love is an action NOT a feeling. You choose to love, it is not something that just magically happens.

I know I've ranted on several different subjects and eventually I will hit every single one of them more individually, I have seriously got to get some sleep. So while y'all are out there reading this, I hope you don't think it is a waste of your time. And if it is, oh well, you already read it. (: But I want to leave you with a Bible verse:

"If you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall. The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, He will show you a way out so that you can endure." 1 Corinthians 10: 12-13

Proof God is real and He truly loves us:

Until next time, xoxox  <3