Today I choose* j.o.y.

joy  joi

noun — a feeling of great pleasure and happiness. 

It's a little funny, I'm so good at writing about what I don't do well, sometimes I think I don't do anything well. Isn't that a sad? I know I'm not the only person who feels that way, I'm not the only person who looks at myself and thinks "Wow, I could do this better" "You know, you should really step up your game here" and my favorite "Why can't you just be good enough?" 

Joy. 

It's not a word people use often anymore and when they do, you know it's because they're describing a true delight, pure happiness that is rare to find these days. 

Joy. 

It doesn't cost a penny to feel it. It takes time, effort, determination, and intention. How often are your intentions to feel joy, to love someone, to make it the best day ever? When do you purposely say you're going to feel joy? Do you ever do those things? I'm guilty of getting up and automatically thinking "Well, today's going to be terrible" and then my day plays out, well, pretty terrible. 

We need to be intentional about our feelings, we need to be intentional about our thoughts and we need to be intentional about being joyful especially. 

Joy isn't based on circumstance. Joy isn't an experience. Joy is a a deep-seated pleasure. Joy is a depth of assurance and confidence that ignites a cheerful heart. Joy is a gift from God. 

It's very easy to not have peace, to be miserable, or to just give up. With joy, those things are very difficult, but joy is a choice. Joy is intentional. Joy is always available. 

There are so many bible verses about joy but here are just a few that I think sort of sum up the way I see the importance of joy and what it is: 

"These things I have spoken to you so that My joy may be in you and that your joy may be made full." John 15:11

"Until now you have asked for nothing in My name, ask and you will receive so that your joy may be made full." John 16:24

"But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!" Galatians 5:22-23

"Ezra said to them, 'Go, eat and drink what you enjoy and give some to him who has nothing ready. For this day is holy to our Lord. Do not be sad for the joy of the Lord is your strength." Nehemiah 8:10 

Joy isn’t something that just happens. Joy isn’t something that you can create yourself. Joy comes from the Lord. 

Without intention, it’s not something you’ll be likely to achieve. Joy is something that takes concentration and purpose. You should wake up and speak joy into your day, speak it into your life. 

Joy is the most incredible thing to feel. Joy can change the way you live your life, the way you look at things, the way you respond to people, and the way you speak. Joy can be a life-saver (is a life-saver if you ask me!) and it’s not something that should ever be taken for granted. After feeling true, real full joy, you’ll never stop chasing it which means you shouldn’t ever stop chasing Jesus, seeking after him, and following the plan that’s been laid out for you. 

Joy is much more than a word, much more than a feeling. Joy is a gift of the Holy Spirit, one of the greatest gifts and blessings we could ever receive. Why wouldn’t you want to chase after that? 

Don’t ever give up when you feel like you can’t keep going. Don’t ever walk away when you think no one else is listening. Don’t ever think it’s the end because it’s not. You were made for so much more, you were made to feel and share joy. 

I get it, joy is hard. Joy is work. Joy is worth it. You are worth it. 

“For his anger lasts only a moment but his favor lasts a lifetime! Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning!” Psalm 30:5 

If you need something to help you start thinking about joy and the greatness of it, listen to this Rend Collective song! 

Do people really* change or is it just circumstance?

Lately I've been thinking about people I haven't talked to in a long time. Friendships I left unfinished, relationships I left with a hard heart, and people I long to talk to again even if it's just a simple hello.

Relationships can change people but circumstances also change relationships. It's funny looking back at life and reconnecting with people and realizing there are a lot of things that don't change. I still have the sarcasm and wit I did when I was 16. I still have self-worth issues and doubts that people love me that I had when I was 18. I still make the same facial expressions, stupid jokes, and love just as hard as I did when I was 14.

Those aren't numbers I just made up, I still am the same person I was at those ages at my core and that will never change. I learned a lot my four years of high school and I think those were some of my most impressionable years but I didn't realize it until this week. I had a long conversation with someone who was a major part of my life at that time, someone who gave me a lot of insight to who I was and what was happening, someone who gave me clarity on part of my life where it was so hazy I never thought I'd see the other side.

This week I got answers to a lot of questions. This week I learned while I've grown up, I've matured, I've been educated, not much has changed in eight years.

Anger. I know it's something I've written about before and it's probably something I'll write about again, but it came up a lot in my conversation with my friend. In high school, I was an angry person and so was he. We didn't work through our anger though, how could we? We were teenagers. We didn't know better. Or did we? It hurts my heart thinking about all of the things we went through, the horrible words we'll never forget we said, the times I never thought the arguing would never end.

It was something we learned from each other, something we fed off of, and something that defined who we were at that time. Oh and how it broke my heart when he said, "I was talking to my friend, he was having a bad day and I was so frustrated because I needed to get all of this stuff done for work and he was supposed to help, so I just hung up on him. I wonder where I learned that." My heart sank and then sank to even deeper depths. How? How could I have ever taught someone I loved so much something so terrible? How could I have been so terrible to do that to someone I loved?

It reminded me that words are so important. Whether angry words or happy words or encouraging words, they are so crucial.

It reminded me that actions are so important. Whether angry actions or happy actions or encouraging actions, they are so crucial.

We used words so carelessly, throwing around hatred and insecurities like confetti. We were doing what we could to stay afloat despite how it made the other person feel. What a terrible thing. I see this going on constantly with younger generations. Oh, how I'd love to scoop them up, sit them down, and tell them it doesn't have to be this way. Tell them that love overcomes, love heals, and love is the answer.

Not just any kind of love, but the love of Jesus, the love of a savior who died for us, the love of a God who is three persons in one. A love that will never waiver, never change, and never leave. This is a love we knew, this was a love we had, a love we accepted, and a love we enjoyed together but separately at the same time.

Obedience is key when walking in faith, when learning to love like Jesus did. We thought we were doing everything right. We were going to youth together on Wednesdays, attending church on Sundays, and making sure we were doing the Christian things. But friends, those were just the motions. You can do all the things you think are right but without obedience, without pure intention, it means nothing.

One thing that's hit me hard recently is the difference between listening and hearing. It's always something that's weighed heavy on me, something people struggle to grasp. In a recent sermon, my pastor said, "Listening turns into action while hearing is being able to repeat facts." Wow. Just let that sink in. How many times have you responded "Yes, I heard you" "Of course I'm listening" and "I hear what you're saying" with no clear intent to let those things turn into action? Of course you could probably repeat what that person said to you because you were hearing them, you know what they said. You just weren't taking it in, letting it take hold, and then turning around and acting on it.

Talking with my friend I realized we did a lot of hearing. In church, with each other. We heard but we didn't really listen. I know I'm so guilty of this. I'm working on it. Some days I just get so frustrated with people I don't even hear them, I tune them out completely because I just can't do it, I need someone to care about me for a second. I know so many other people feel that way sometimes. It's okay. It's human.

We all need to do better. We need to be better. We need to love better. We need to care better. We need to be there more.

Is everything* better with a filter?

Wow, there are so many things on my mind, I don't even know where to begin at this point. 

Ever have those days when you don't know what you're doing with your life? It's like you're just walking around, second guessing your purpose. I've had a week like that. Never in a million years did I imagine my life to be like it is today, not that that's a bad thing. But I don't think that's necessarily a good thing either. 

Happiness. That's a word that really gets to me sometimes. I've never been a "naturally happy" person, I'm not optimistic in the least but I'm not always looking for the worst in things or people either. I'm pretty real. I tell people like it is, I take life and situations for how they are and I deal. But is dealing always good enough? Will it ever just be enough? 

I struggle to be happy but I think a lot of people do, it's just not something they admit. People constantly walk around with smiles plastered on their faces with pictures of their weekend drinks posted all over Instagram and their funny jokes on Twitter. The only thing about it is that on social media you only see what people want you to see, you are looking through rose colored glasses. But isn't everything better with a filter? 

I think that's one of the hardest things growing up a millennial, we're told our feelings don't matter and we shouldn't share them with the people we love when it's about something intimate, important. We should put on a mask, we should do this and wear that to get people to like us. If I hang out with these people, I'll like myself and life better because they have X amount of followers on whatever social media. I hate this. I hate the idea that we all should feel the same, that we should pretend to be happy, wear a face, and not talk about feelings. This is really screwing our generation up and I honestly believe that's why relationships are failing. 

It's the cool thing to "ghost", it's the cool thing to sleep around but never catch feelings, it's the cool thing to party every day and pretend nothing matters when your life is falling apart. Why? What do these things accomplish? I'll tell you from my experience nothing. From my experience, those things have honestly only made things worse. 

Anyone who knows me, especially my friends, will tell you I'm honest. I live by "honesty is the best policy" but I don't live by "the truth hurts." The truth doesn't always have to hurt, but being honest doesn't always mean you're being truthful. I think that's something else our generation has mastered, the art of blurred lines, the art of leaving unspoken words to fill in the gaps and leave people guessing, the art of deception because something was implied but wasn't really meant. 

These are the things that are hurting people, the things we need to be talking about. I want people to talk about their feelings, tell their friends they love them, and let them know when they are upset or angry. The people you love should support you no matter what. The people that love you should be willing to lend an ear or a shoulder or a night if that's what you need. 

I've grown up blessed beyond measure. My parents just celebrated their 33rd wedding anniversary in May, I'm the youngest of 5 and we have college degrees. I have people who love me and support me. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my body, a bed to sleep in, food to eat, and a job to sustain me.  But that doesn't mean life doesn't get hard sometimes, that it doesn't get lonely and that life is all rainbows and flowers. I am thankful for what I have, but that doesn't mean my life is perfect. 

I have a lot of feelings and unlike most people my age I'm not afraid to show it. You make me mad? You'll know. You make me happy? You'll definitely know. You upset me? Well, you'll know eventually. 

Why is it so easy to let someone know when they've pissed us off? Because anger is easy, anger is common, anger is pretty much encouraged this day in age. 

Why don't we let someone know that they've made us happy? Because we can't give them that satisfaction? Because we're afraid we can't reciprocate? Please please please let someone know when they make you happy, when they make you laugh, make your day better. You never know what that could mean to someone. Maybe they're looking for that person to brighten their day and you could be it. Don't be afraid of being vulnerable. Vulnerability is a good thing, most of the time. Just because someone makes you happy doesn't mean your happiness relies on them and it shouldn't, it never should. But it's okay to let someone make you happy for once. 

Why is being sad not okay? Why is having a bad day/week/month something to be looked down upon? I just don't get it. Some days you just can't. It's hard, life is coming at you full force and you're lonely. Some days you feel like you have no where to turn, no one to talk to, and no sense of direction and where you're headed next. I get that. I have those days a lot and they're getting much more frequent. 

I think it is so so so so important to be talking to people about our sadness, everyone has it. I never go through a bad day alone, even if it feels like it. I always have a friend I text to let them know what's up, have someone to check in on me. Life can be rough. People can throw a lot of things at you and you should never have to do life alone. 

I wish people would be honest. Honest about how they feel, honest about what they want, and honest about life. No one's life is perfect, cliche I know, but it's so awfully true that I think we forget that sometimes. You want her body, his girlfriend is better than your's, that house is bigger, the car is faster, that job pays more. There's always going to be something to leave you not content with what you have, not content in your own skin, not content with life. I'm not saying that you should be content and stagnant, I just don't think you should always want what other people have. You don't know their stories, you don't know their secrets (and Lord knows we all have those). 

I want people to feel loved. I want people to know I love them, that I'm here for them. I try to tell my friends that as often as possible. My friends know they can come to me with anything, I'm a judgement free zone. There are so many mistakes I have made, so made wrong decisions, and bad moves I've made that I wouldn't want someone to just throw it back in my face, to use it against me. I want people to be understanding, to be there for each other, to just listen. 

There's something I've read and heard time and time again and I think it rings so true for my generation: Most people don't listen with the intent to understand, they listen with the intent to reply. 

Why are we so focused on the response instead of hearing people out? Why is what we have to say so much more important or is it? There are times where I'm talking and I just stop mid-sentence and the person I was speaking to doesn't notice, where I leave stories unfinished and conversations undone. I'm that person who listens intently to what you have to say because I understand what it's like to have no one listen. 

I hate that. I hate that anyone would ever feel the way I do. No one person should ever feel like they don't have someone to turn to, somewhere to run when they need to talk, destress, figure out life, or just need someone to listen. Someone to really listen to what they have to say, how they're feeling, what's going on in their life. Someone to listen and not respond. Someone to just be there. 

Please, be honest. Please, be kind. Please, remember we are all human and we're just trying to survive. 

Patience: is it a virtue?

vir·tue ˈvərCHo͞o/

noun — behavior showing high moral standards.

Funny,  I've never had much patience for anything or anyone for that matter. But lately I have been surprising myself. 

I don't have patience when it comes to myself and seeing progress in different areas of my life. 
I don't have patience when it comes to wanting to get a new job, getting out of my home town, or finding someone to spend the rest of my life. 
I don't have patience when it comes to dealing with my family, especially my mom. 
I don't have patience when it comes to waiting for food when I'm hungry or waiting for the shower when we've all got somewhere to be. 
I don't have patience when it comes to sitting in traffic and I'm running behind or I just want to get somewhere quickly. 

But...

I have patience when it matters. 
I have patience when my friend is having a bad day and needs someone to listen. 
I have patience when the new person at work asks how to use our system or where to find a phone number. 
I have patience when someone asks me to pray for them, knowing full well God has his hand in everything. 
I have patience when it comes to watching my best friend's broken heart heal. 
I have patience when my niece or nephew is trying to learn something new and asks for my help. 
I have patience when I have to run to the drugstore to pick up a prescription because mom couldn't get there after work. 
I have patience when I know I need to have it because to some people, my patience may be the only good thing they encounter that day. 

Patience has always been a work in progress for me, it's never really come easy. It's something I'm sure I'll be working on for the rest of my life. But lately, God's really shown me where I struggle with my patience and where I have it down pat. 

The people I love, I love with everything I have. The people I care about know I care about them not just because I tell them I do, but because I try to show them unconditional love. I have come to the realization that I'm always there for my friends no matter what. I always told them I would be, but lately it's been blatantly obvious to me how much I really do stick to what I say. It doesn't matter when or where or what I'm doing. I'll always stop to listen to what someone I care about has to say. This is when I realized that my tolerance for myself is so low it's kind of laughable. It's honestly sad. I can be patient with people I scream and fight with, people I only talk to when they need me, and people I talk to every day. Some who have been there for me through everything and some who have turned their back when I needed them the most. 

Funny. 


Patience. 


Think about it. 

I spend 24/7/365 with myself and I'm the least patient with myself. How does that even make sense? Maybe it's because I know I have the power to be better, do better. Maybe it's because I'm so patient with everyone else I run out of patience for myself. Or maybe it's because I like to make excuses and give myself another reason for self-doubt and loathing. 


Patience. 


It's something we could all use a little more of. It's something we could all most definitely work on getting good at. Being patient doesn't take time or a lot of effort. Being patience takes being aware, being attentive, and just being. Patience doesn't require a lot of effort, actually it requires very little, yet we make it out to be such a big, hard task. I just don't get it. 


So, as I walk through these next three weeks of Lent, one of my goals is to work on my patience. To be slower to anger, to take a deep breath and remember I might be the only positive thing someone encounters in their day, to remember that patience costs nothing with anger and hatred costs me my sanity and sight of who I really am. 


That's something to think about. What area do you really want to work on? Is there something you've always struggled with? Something you just can't quite figure out why it's like that but it just is? Take time to work on it. You don't have to be perfect, no one is perfect and no one expects you to be. Be patient with yourself. Realize that you're a work in progress, but you'll never progress if you never work on yourself. It's okay to get upset and frustrated if you slip up, that means you're working but don't let that discourage you. Shake it off and pick up where you left off. Patience will get you every time but no one can take your patience from you. Patience makes you a better person. 
Until next time...


xoxox

Person First *

Life's got a funny way of constantly reminding me I'm not in charge and by life, I mean God. Over the years my faith has been the only constant (aside from my incredible family). It's really amazing to go back and read what I wrote four years ago, noticing that my faith has been unwavering, holy crap. I wrote a post six months ago and never finished it, so I never posted it. But reading back on it, insane. A year ago, I was going through one of the most difficult times of my life thus far. I just graduated college, I moved home, I broke up with my boyfriend. I was so lost, I didn't know what I was doing with my life. I didn't have access to my best friend 24/7 because we didn't live together anymore, I couldn't just go on a drive around Radford to clear my head, and I wasn't able to call up my church mom and tell her I needed to come over to talk. Life changed radically in a matter of weeks. 

Crazy. 

I guess I never thought that life could change so drastically. I went to high school believing I'd be married after graduation. I went to college believing I'd leave a music therapist. I went to college in search of my MRS degree and came out with a BS in journalism. I've never been happier than I am right now. I hope that changes and I hope I continue to become happier. 

It's honestly amazing because I've never been much of a happy person, I've always liked to refer to myself as a "realist", which is really just a nice term for an pessimist who sometimes looks on the realistically bright side of things. But over the last year, I've learned what true happiness is. It took my 3 1/2 years of college to realize I'm going to spend my entire life figuring out who I really am. It also took me those 3 1/2 years to really solidify that I'm not going to get anywhere in this life that I want to be if I turn my back on God. I went to college determined to find my calling, determined to find my husband, and determined to find me. I went to college and God was determined to show me exactly what he had planned for my life, even when I turned my back on him. 

It's been a year since I've graduated, left my best friend behind, started my career as a journalist, and I'm still stuck at home. A year ago, I wouldn't have even thought to pick up a pen or sit down on my computer and type how I felt. A year ago, I was struggling to hang on because I was so lost. A year ago, I decided that I couldn't keep putting my faith on the back burner and I handed it over to God. Three months later, hundreds of job applications and I received my first job offer and I took it. It's insane to think about because I was dead set on broadcast journalism (not really sure why) and I sure as heck was not going to be working at a newspaper. Jokes on me! Here I am, nine months later and I've been published hundreds of times, written magazine articles and side bars, and I've survived. I've loved it. I've hated it. And I never want to do anything else. 

Writing has been my passion for what seems like forever now. I never really realized it, it was just something I always did. In high school, writing was how I got through anything. My God sister Alex at the time encouraged me to never stop writing and I haven't. I may not always write as often as I'd like for enjoyment, but I'll never stop writing. I'm learning more and more every day there's a reason God gifted me with the ability to write, to put my feelings into words, and to be able to tell other's stories. I don't know why yet, I'm not sure if I'll ever know why I received the gift of words, but man am I so so thankful I did. 

Words are so powerful and that can be scary sometimes. There are times when I just don't know what to say (ha, me speechless? Never!) and I'm just dumbfounded because words are my life. 

So the point of this post? Person first. "Person first?" you ask. Yes, person first. Person first was something I learned in my intro to music therapy class. Person first is the philosophy that when it comes to people who have disabilities or disorders, the person always comes first. You say the man with autism, not the autistic man. The person is more than their disability or disorder, that person is more than a diagnosis or a few lengthy words on a piece of paper. That person is a person first. 

This is something that I grasped so easily when it came to talking about someone with a disability or  disorder, but it's taken me four years to realize that this concept should be applied to every person you meet. Person first. This means you are so much more than words, whether they are words you put on yourself or some ridiculous label someone else put on you. You are important. You are loved. You were created for good. You were created by a God who loves you, who wants to see you do well, who wants you to be happy, who wants you to be his. 

Person first. 

I am important, not worthless. I am beautiful, not ugly. I am loved. I am wanted. I am a daughter of the one true King and I am blessed. I am whatever I want to be because I am person first. 

Until next time...xoxox